i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
