guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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