Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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