I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Randomize
