mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
