Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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