Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
