I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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