toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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