I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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