I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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