2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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