So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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