My liver just broke up with me...
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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