Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
NoShamevember. You game?
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
