dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
