i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
