So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
