Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
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