Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
