I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
