dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
