Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
