Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize