Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
