wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
