Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
