take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
