I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
