I puked a lego.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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