For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
