4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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