my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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