Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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