I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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