you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
