I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
