so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
