someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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