You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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