Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
