Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
