Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
