So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
