Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
