I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
