Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize