Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
