just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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