so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
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