first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
