considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
