Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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