I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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