woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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