he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
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