is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
