You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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