On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
