I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
