how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
