when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
