We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Randomize
