I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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