remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
